Heights

I did something today that terrified me. I'm very scared of heights. We're talking panic attacks and hysteria kind of fear. It's not mild. I can't handle it and for the most part I just avoid anything that I know is too much for me. And by heights I don't mean airplane kind, or tree fort kind. It has to be a bit more extreme. 

There's this place a little ways from my house called the Rock. It's full name is Tanamus Rock. It's a landmark of the area and it's huge. Rock is kind of a misnomer because it's really more of a miniature mountain. There's a cable hooked around a tree at the bottom and then anchored up top for people to be able to climb up to the top. The view is supposedly spectacular and worth the nearly completely vertical climb with nothing but a metal cable. 

I've never climbed it before. My family has all climbed it multiple times. I'm the only one who hasn't. I've always lingered at the bottom and waited for everyone to come back. Today we went up there to pray. Me, both of my brothers, my Dad and one of my best friends. Everyone climbed up to the top of the Rock. It's a fifty foot plus climb. And I said I'd wait. Again. 

They all got to the top and disappeared and I was sitting there, staring up after them. And God spoke to me. I would always be just that far behind everyone for the rest of my life, waiting for something to happen to make me able to keep up. I had to stop waiting. And trust him. So, I climbed the short distance to the cable and started up. It was terrifying. I was scared out of my mind. I made it half way up to this little cave carved into the side and I had to stop. I was hyperventilating and pretty much sobbing. I knew I couldn't stop or I'd never have the guts to do it again. 

My brother climbed down to help me and my friend let me use her shoes with better grip, and I managed to stop crying long enough to struggle up to the top. I thought my heart was going to explode. I got to the top and just collapsed onto the ground. I sat up there with them for a half an hour. They were singing and I was trying to breath and listening to God. It was all about trust. My fear is really unbelief. Unbelief and lack of confidence in who God is and what he can do through me. It's pride. Assuming that I'm in control of my fate, and that what I can't handle is the be all and end all. Not that what I can't handle, God can handle for me. 

It started to rain and we all decided to head back down. Going down as about as scary if not more scary then going up. I couldn't see because you have to go down backwards. And you have to trust the cable completely. It's the only thing holding you up. And I slipped once and almost fell off the side of a drop off. It was horrifyingly scary. My brother went down the whole way with me, my other brother, friend and Dad encouraging me from above and below. I finally made it to the bottom and just started crying in relief. The cable was God. I have to let go of my control, and trust that he'll catch me. That his strength will hold me up. 

I will never forget that experience. Ever.