Perigrinatio Pro Dei Amore

Three Years

2011-07-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written here. And so much has happened since that I feel several decades removed from who I was the last time I wrote here.

I'm listening to a song right now. It's by Laura Hackett and Cory Asbury from the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. It's called He's Alive. And in the midst of the darkest time of my adult life, it causes a deep well of living joy to spring up in me. Even when my eyes are covered, and I am smothered in overwhelming darkness, I am reminded that life dwells in me. The refrain at the beginning of the song is this: "The chains of sin can't hold me down. Even death itself can't keep me in the ground." No matter what else appears true, those words ring in the depths of my soul. "There is no power in heaven or hell that can keep me from the love of the Father on his throne."

He's alive in my being. He's alive in my body. He's alive in my soul. He's not dead. "He's surely alive. He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion." I'm alive because He's alive, and I will never die.

I encourage you to listen to this song and let the words soak into you.

Faith

2008-09-20T21:50:00.001-07:00

I know it's been forever. I haven't really wanted to write anything for the last month. I'm officially twenty two now. I don't know what to say. Everything seems too much to talk about. I don't want to talk. I just want to avoid everything. Sorry, this is sounding really depressing. I don't have enough faith and I never will. I'm always going to fall short, I'm always going to fail. How is that even though I've been in this position before (and I know full well God's ability to provide), I lack so completely the ability to have faith.

I'm so stressed out right now. Everyone is. And I can't stand romance right now. (Sorry, swift subject change.) The idea of it turns my stomach, literally.

I can't do anything. God won't let me. I can't get a job, I feel like I have no purpose to my life (I know thats a lie), and... yeah. Things are tight right now. Everyone in the family is so tense that it feels like strings on a guitar wound to the point of snapping. I'm afraid of getting hit with one in the face, or of hitting someone. Why am I so incapable of just dying to myself? Why can't I just stop struggling madly? I know I'm a moody, emotional wreck, I know I'm making all kinds of messes and mistakes. I want to rip my hair out from the roots. I can't handle the stress anymore.

Some way or another I'm going to have to have faith in who God is. I won't be able to make it without it.

EDIT: Goodness, I was grumpy last night. But you know, God is faithful. Always. And I will never be alone for the rest of my life. I just needed to remember the things I know without doubt. I'm doing great this morning after a few hours alone with him. Sorry if I scared anybody!

Rest

2008-08-14T01:13:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of trying to do things in my own strength. Anything I do will fail. Anything. I am not capable of succeeding at anything. Whatever I try to do out of my own strength is for the wrong motives and will not work. What does succeed in my life is what Jesus does through me. And his rest is so sweet. When I let go, stop trying and realize my inability, I come to this place of peace and rest in the Lord. He can do it all, and what is good in me is him. When I rest and just let him move through me, it's always infinitely better.

I am still so afraid of letting go completely and trusting him unconditionally. Especially when it comes to my life. For some stupid reason I constantly think that I know better then he does. That I can control what happens to me. It's utterly ridiculous. I know nothing. There is nothing in me that is worthy. It's only him. Anything else in me is pride. I have to close my eyes, lean back and trust my cable to hold me. He will guide me. He will direct me. I don't need to know more than that.

This last period of my life has been so much about dwelling in his rest. About trusting him for provision, for direction, for time. The human part of me wants so much to freak out about not knowing, to assume things, to jump to conclusions, to control. I still haven't fully realized my death to the old. My body is dead. What lives is Christ. I need fresh revelation of that daily. It's not that I need to die more. It's a finished work. I'm dead. I've been dead since I accepted the Lord, since Jesus died for me on his cross. I don't continue to die day by day. It's that I haven't fully realized that death.

I love the peace that comes with ceasing my striving, the heavy relief. It's not about me anymore, it's about him. And he is then free to do as he pleases in my life, and I can get out of the way and let him move. It's truly wonderful.

Heights

2008-08-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

I did something today that terrified me. I'm very scared of heights. We're talking panic attacks and hysteria kind of fear. It's not mild. I can't handle it and for the most part I just avoid anything that I know is too much for me. And by heights I don't mean airplane kind, or tree fort kind. It has to be a bit more extreme.

There's this place a little ways from my house called the Rock. It's full name is Tanamus Rock. It's a landmark of the area and it's huge. Rock is kind of a misnomer because it's really more of a miniature mountain. There's a cable hooked around a tree at the bottom and then anchored up top for people to be able to climb up to the top. The view is supposedly spectacular and worth the nearly completely vertical climb with nothing but a metal cable.

I've never climbed it before. My family has all climbed it multiple times. I'm the only one who hasn't. I've always lingered at the bottom and waited for everyone to come back. Today we went up there to pray. Me, both of my brothers, my Dad and one of my best friends. Everyone climbed up to the top of the Rock. It's a fifty foot plus climb. And I said I'd wait. Again.

They all got to the top and disappeared and I was sitting there, staring up after them. And God spoke to me. I would always be just that far behind everyone for the rest of my life, waiting for something to happen to make me able to keep up. I had to stop waiting. And trust him. So, I climbed the short distance to the cable and started up. It was terrifying. I was scared out of my mind. I made it half way up to this little cave carved into the side and I had to stop. I was hyperventilating and pretty much sobbing. I knew I couldn't stop or I'd never have the guts to do it again.

My brother climbed down to help me and my friend let me use her shoes with better grip, and I managed to stop crying long enough to struggle up to the top. I thought my heart was going to explode. I got to the top and just collapsed onto the ground. I sat up there with them for a half an hour. They were singing and I was trying to breath and listening to God. It was all about trust. My fear is really unbelief. Unbelief and lack of confidence in who God is and what he can do through me. It's pride. Assuming that I'm in control of my fate, and that what I can't handle is the be all and end all. Not that what I can't handle, God can handle for me.

It started to rain and we all decided to head back down. Going down as about as scary if not more scary then going up. I couldn't see because you have to go down backwards. And you have to trust the cable completely. It's the only thing holding you up. And I slipped once and almost fell off the side of a drop off. It was horrifyingly scary. My brother went down the whole way with me, my other brother, friend and Dad encouraging me from above and below. I finally made it to the bottom and just started crying in relief. The cable was God. I have to let go of my control, and trust that he'll catch me. That his strength will hold me up.

I will never forget that experience. Ever.

The Awesomeness of God

2008-07-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while, but I've been busy. God's been revealing new depths of himself to me, and deepening the vision he's placed in me. It's awe inspiring to me how incredibly faithful the Most High is. I mean really, I know nothing. I'm so incapable of succeeding at anything without the Lord. Why would I possibly think I could control anything? It's ludicrous! And arrogant. The Lord is my boss, and I'm an employee. I don't have a right to know the grand scheme of my life, or the big picture, or even the details. I get to hear and obey. And that is an awesome privilege! I get to hear the voice of the creator of my life and I get the choice to obey him.

What other choice do I have except to obey? Such a being deserves my absolute, unconditional, unquestioning devotion and obedience. My delight should always be in obedience. What are my desires but paltry things that will waste into dust? The only desire I have is for God to create in me a want for what he wants, a disgust for what he hates, and a passionate longing after his face.

Jesus has me completely. I belong to him. By choice. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Always. What a profound thing to think that I can have an intensely intimate and personal relationship with the savior of man kind. Wow. That kind of blows your mind. I can't really even fathom it. And he's pretty unfathomable. No matter how long I know him, each day he reveals new things, new depths of himself. I will continue to get to know him for the rest of my life. I will never know him fully. What a challenge and so much fun! To pursue and be pursued by someone like that. It's endlessly adventurous, never boring and always new.

God has so redeemed me. Beyond what I should ever deserve. Hell is what I deserve. Anything aside from that is undeserved grace. I trust him. He has control and the desire of my life is simple:

Psalm 27:4 One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

Tough spots

2008-06-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you get into situations that really do seem like they are between a rock and a hard place. Obeying God, but respecting those in authority over you. Exercising discernment but remembering grace. On paper, it seems like no duh kind of stuff. In actuality, it's a bit more difficult. Having leadership that doesn't fall into line with God's will can definitely make it harder. It's all about character growth I think. I'm learning how to be under authority that I don't see eye to eye with. It's definitely a lesson I need to learn.

I've realized lately that it's also really hard for me to have grace for people that seem to be willfully oblivious, or self involved, or who choose to consistently take advantage of others. Argh. I hate injustice so much that it's hard to keep balanced. And really, I can't do it by myself. Only God through me can exercise that grace. I have to constantly remind myself that I didn't deserve the huge amount of grace God has given me, so how much more am I responsible to extend that grace to others?

It's definitely another good thing to learn, but I'm barely started on it. I have the feeling it's going to be a life long process for me.

In other news, Indiana Jones 4 was totally awesome. Wooo Indy!

Change?

2008-05-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

So, I've realized that I'm not so good with change. Most people who know me probably were already aware of that. I'm just a bit slower on the uptake. It's funny, because change can be such a good thing. But it really stresses me out. I start worrying about every possibility, everything that could go wrong, and my head starts to hurt.

And it's hard to see change that can hurt people you love. I think that's what's the worst for me. Change for myself isn't that difficult, it's change for other people. I just like to see everyone be happy, and that's sort of naive I guess. I'm learning that I have to trust God to take care of them for me, otherwise I sit and stress about things I can't possibly control.

Micah, for example, is at Senior Prom right now. He's with a group of kids who are complete atheists and who disagree with everything he believes in. He was incredibly nervous when he left, and I've been sitting here gnawing on my fingers, worrying about him. It's incredibly pointless because I can't help anything anyways, but it's hard to trust that God will take care of him.

I'm learning. It's a work in progress. (That saying drives me nuts. When do you stop progressing? Argh.)

Anyways, I attempted to watch Sweeney Todd tonight. Quit barely an hour in. My stomach couldn't take it. Neither could my the rest of me. Blargh. Just icky. I'm going to avoid barbers like the plague from now on.